May the Force Be With Y'all
by lunarchroniclesandcockatiels
Summary: The real reason Anakin turned to the Dark Side was not to save Padme, but because he hated sand. Crackfic.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, and if I did, Han Solo wouldn't have died.**

The real reason Anakin had turned to the Dark Side was because he hated sand. Sure, Padme was kind of nice and all, but the Chancellor had promised him that if he turned to the Dark Side, he would let Anakin use his special get-rid-of-sand potion, and it would get rid of all the sand in the Galaxy. It all started one day, when Anakin was a little boy on Tatooine…

"I hate sand," an eight year old Anakin complained to his mother, "Why can't we move to Naboo? I hear they don't have any sand there?"

"Anakin," Shmi replied with a shake of her head, "When you're a Sith Lord, and you rule the Galaxy, you can move wherever you want. But, for now, we live on Tatooine because I get a discount for blue milk, and we're 1,098,763,456,767 miles away from the nearest Gungan."

"Wait a minute," asked Anakin, "Don't we have to live here since we're slaves?"

Shmi Skywalker rolled her eyes. "Not really, but gives you a tragic backstory for Hollywood to make into a movie, so we do."

"Oh." said Anakin. He didn't really understand what Hollywood was, but his mother had once told him that mothers were always right, so he just nodded.

 _One year later_

"Are you going to come with me, Mom?" Anakin asked, "Qui-Gon said you could if you wanted."

Shmi shook her heads. "No, I would rather be killed by Tuscan Raiders than talk to a Gungan. Besides, then I couldn't use the gift card I just got to Jabba's Hutt."

"Oh, okay." Anakin said. "Bye Mom! See you!

"Bye Ani!" Shmi called, "Kill some Gungans for me!"

 _Nine or so Years Later_

"All right, Anakin," Obi-Yawn told his young(ish) apprentice, "Today we are going to talk about why we don't hate anyone, or anything, even sand."

"What about Gungans?" Anakin asked. Obi-Yawn stroked his beard thoughtfully.

"Well, it is physically impossible not to hate a Gungan, even for a Jedi, so you can hate _them_."

Anakin let out a sigh of relief. "But what about sand? I can't hate sand, either?"

"Nope," Obi-Yawn told him sternly, "I know I do, but I'm the master, so I get to make the rules, and I say you can't hate sand."

"But that's not fair!" Anakin cried. "Besides, you're just jealous that I'm the Chosen One!"

"I am not!" cried Obi-Yawn.

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Fair, life is not," said Yodel, who had just walked into the room, "If fair, life was, deal with Gungans we would not. But make rules, masters do."

"So," said Anakin, "You mean that when I have my own padawan, I can tell them what to do, and they'll do it?"

"Not really," sighed Obi-Yawn, "Your padawan will never listen to you, because she secretly loves sand."

"You know what," cried Anakin, "I don't want a padawan anymore!" He stomped out of the room

"May the force be with y'all." said Yodel, turning to leave.

 **A/N: Hope you enjoyed, and please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

_3 Years Later_

Anakin sighed, brushing the sand off of his lightsaber. Why did he always get stuck with missions to planets that had sand? It just wasn't fair!

 _At least I'm back on Coruscant now,_ he thought. But that didn't mean that the sand didn't decide to follow him.

"Evil sand!" he shouted, flicking it off. "I hate you!"

Luckily, the sand didn't answer him, so Anakin presumed it had died, and he went to go sit down in a chair.

Suddenly, Padme walked in. "Anakin!" she cried, running towards her husband.

Anakin sighed. "Oh hi, Padme."

"Guess what, Ani? I'm pregnant!"

"Oh, that's nice." Anakin said absentmindedly. "Just don't make me try to change a diaper or anything, okay? By the way, I hate sand."

"Anakin!" Padme yelled.

"What?" Anakin asked.

Padme groaned.

—

Anakin shuddered, turning over in his bed. He was having a terrible, terrible dream about sand attacking him. Dream- Padme walked in, carrying a baby.

"Here's your son!" she called, handing Anakin the baby. "You need to change his diaper!"

"No!" Anakin cried. "Padme!"

Suddenly, Anakin woke up in his own bed, with Real Padme standing over him.

"What's wrong, Ani? You were calling my name. Were you having a nightmare?"

Anakin nodded. "It was a terrible, terrible dream, and you-"

"Oh Anakin!" Padme cried. "I promise I won't die in childbirth!"

Anakin gulped. That wasn't exactly what his dream had been about, but whatever.

"You should go talk to Master Yodel." Padme insisted.

"Er, no."

"Why not?" Padme asked. "I don't want you to worry about me!"

"Well, um, I um…." Anakin trailed off, seeing Padme's look. "Oh, fine."

 _The Next Day_

"Having nightmares, you are, young Skywalker?" Yodel asked. "Counting taun-tauns, suggest, I do."

Anakin scratched his head. "Well….. these nightmares. They're about sand. And um, diapers-"

"Clouded the future is." Yodel interrupted. "Interpretation of it can look sandy."

"No!" cried Anakin, "I hate sand! Why does it always have to come down to this?"

 _Ten Minutes Later_

"Hey Anakin," Obi-Yawn called to his past apprentice, "We, the Council, of the Jedi Order, in order to find out if Palpatine's a Sith, ask you to spy on him."

"What?" cried Anakin. "You're asking me to spy on _him_? Why can't Yodel or Mace Windu or even _you_?"

"Because," sighed Obi-Wan, "You're his only friend. He would think it was kind of weird if anyone else started actually being nice to _him_."

"True," said Anakin. "Oh fine, I'll go!"

"Good. But don't tell anyone, okay? It's a secret spy mission."

—-

"So," said Palpatine as soon as Anakin had walked into his office, "The council sent you to spy on me."

"Yup," said Anakin, not missing a beat. "They told me not to tell you, but yeah."

 **A/N: Thank you guys for all of your amazing reviews!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Here is chapter three!**

"Oh, hey Anakin!" Obi-Yawn cried, spotting his not-so-young former apprentice. He guided him into the council meeting room. "You're on the council, but you aren't a master. You're just there because the Chancellor says to put you there, and he's obviously not a creepy Sith Lord who wants to seduce you to the Dark Side, so we're listening to him!"

"What?" Anakin cried. "That's not fair! I want to be a Master!" He began to stomp out the door.

"Wait!" cried Obi-Yawn. "You didn't even see your chair yet!"

Anakin walked back in, sighing. "Where is it?"

Obi-Yawn pointed to the corner, where a dilapidated fold-up chair sat. Everyone else in the room sat in large, comfortable-looking sofas.

"There you go!" he told his (thankfully) former apprentice. "Also, since you're not a Master, you don't get access to the Master's snack lounge, private bathroom, swimming pool, jacuzzi, sushi bar, restaurant, elevator, or my personal favorite: the hotel! You also are in charge of doing Yodel's laundry for eternity."

"Wait," Anakin asked. "Why can't Master Yodel do his own laundry?"

"Smelly it is," Yodel told him. "Money for nose plugs I have not."

"Also," Anakin continued. "You guys have a _hotel_?"

"Well, duh," said Plo Koon. "The Temple's disgusting! Have you _seen_ the bathrooms?"

"But I don't get access?" Anakin yelled. "SO UNFAIR!" He pouted, and stomped away.

"Throw a tantrum, we must not," Master Yodel sang ever-so-wisely. "Not a padawan anymore, you are."

" _This_ is why he isn't a master," Mace Windu whispered to Kit Fisto, who nodded, and started imitating Anakin.

"Oh, look at me!" he cried, doing pirouettes. "Look at me! I'm the Chosen One, and I hate sand! I throw tantrums whenever things don't go my way!"

"Encore, you will do!" shouted Master Yodel.

Anakin turned around, the second before he walked through the door. "AND I DON'T DO THAT!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.

Shaak Ti rolled her eyes."I totally don't blame Anakin's padawan for leaving him. Who wouldn't, with a teacher like _that_?"

"I just hope he doesn't find out that the real reason we appointed him is because we needed someone to be Head of Gungan Relations." Obi-Yawn replied. "No one was exactly volunteering for that, even when we offered them time off from doing Master Yodel's laundry."

Shaak Ti shuddered. "I would rather do his laundry for the rest of my life than talk to one Gungan!"

"Well, who wouldn't?" Kit Fisto cried. "At least that Anakin boy is in charge of both of those things now!"

—-

"So, Anakin," Palpatine said, as he sat next to Anakin at the Gungan ballet, _Annoying Lake_. "Let me tell you a story about one of the greatest guys who ever lived."

'Who, me?" Anakin asked, very seriously.

"Umm…. Yeah, totally." Palpatine said, avoiding Anakin's eyes. "Anyways, this guy's name was Dark Plagueo, and he invented a potion to get rid of sand." Palpatine paused a moment, toying with his "I'm a Sith Lord!" shirt.

"Cool!" said Anakin. "So, where do I get this potion?"

"Not from a Gungan."

"Well, duh."

"Not from a store."

"I wouldn't think so…"

"Not from the Council."

"Right….."

"Not from your padawan who left the order."

"Well, she went to work at a sand factory, so I don't think that would be very good for business."

"Not from a Jedi, either."

By this point Anakin was losing his patience. "WELL, WHERE THEN!" he screamed.

"Sith Lords do not scream, Anakin."

"Well, I'm not a Sith Lord, so I guess I'm okay."

Palpatine smiled evilly. "Oh, you will be soon, Anakin."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Anakin wondered out loud, spotting the Sith Lord TM lightsaber hanging off of Palpatine's belt.

"Oh, nothing." Palpatine said, in a way only creepy people who are secretly plotting to take over the galaxy can say.*

 **A/N: Feel free to review!**

 ***Not that the author would know anything about that.**

 **Chloe Snow: Thank you, and your wish hath been granted.  
girlalicious101: :D You just gave me an idea… hmm….  
AutumnLeaves03: I'm glad you think so. :)  
Itsraininggumdrops: Thank you! :D  
syklone: :D yessssss**

 **FallingForOphelia: Why thank you.**

 **UnknownUnseenUnheard: :) Poor Anakin. But even more, poor Padme. :(**

 **George Lucas: Wow! I'm so glad that you like my story, and think that it is the best fanfiction ever! I am truly honored. :)**

 **^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Just kidding about that last review. I wish... ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^**


	4. Chapter 4

The next day, Anakin walked Obi-Yawn to his pink, flower patterned star destroyer so that he could go kill Grievous.

"So," said Anakin, "I know you don't like me..."

"True," muttered Obi-Yawn.

"But I want to thank you for being such an amazing person, and..."

"What do you want, Anakin?" Obi-Yawn asked, knowing that Anakin never complimented anyone unless he wanted a new teddy bear, or if he was talking to Padme. But Obi-Yawn knew that Anakin and Padme were just friends because Anakin said they were, and he told the truth an entire 2% of the time!

"Well," said Anakin. "I want the new pink teddy bear that Youngling Katooni has, because I'm cooler than her. And I also want 578857 diaper changing droids."

"Why do you need diaper changing droids?!" Obi-Yawn cried. "Anakin, we've had this discussion before. You are too old for diapers!"

"Um..." Anakin didn't really have a good answer for that one. "Well, Padme is definitely _not_ going to make me change our kids diapers in five months!" He chuckled nervously, and Obi-Yawn laughed along with him.

 _Phew_ , Anakin thought to himself. He sure did a good job getting out of that one!

"Well, see you again never!" Obi-Yawn cried, walking off.

* * *

"So Anakin," Palpatine said, smoothing down his new haircut. "I know you'd never guess this, but-" he paused dramatically. "I'm a Sith Lord."

"What?" Anakin cried. "You're the Sith Lord? Cool! Can you kill Jar Jar Binks for me?

The Chancellor looked slightly worried. Maybe he should have chosen someone a bit smarter for his apprentice.

"Anyways," the Chancellor continued. "I have a potion that can help you get rid of all the sand and dirty diapers in the galaxy, if you'll just join me! And pay 999.99 credits plus tax!"

"Well," Anakin stated, accidentally turning on his lightsaber and cutting through the table wit it. "Oops. Anyways, I'm gonna kill you!"

"Sand," reminded Palatine.

Anakin thought about that for a minute. "Maybe I'll just report you then..."

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks guys, for all the great comments! Any suggestions/ criticism would be very greatly appreciated. Since you are so amazing, I am putting in an extra scene: Obi-Yawn fighting Grievous.**

* * *

Flying around in his beautiful flowery looking starfighter when you were supposed to be fighting bad guys got boring after a while, so Obi-Yawn stopped at Force'n Food for a quick snack. He was just about to order the Sith Killer special, when Grievous walked in.

"Obi-Yawn Kenobi," he snarled, igniting all of his 4584799658985689644 lightsaber. "I didn't know you liked the Sith Killer special!"

Obi-Yawn shrugged. "Well, I do. Now if you'll excuse me, which you probably won't, I was about to order my food!"

Grievous laughed; a high pitched squeaky sound that hurt poor Obi-Yawn's ears. "Your hair looks dumb," he said, trying to decapitate Obi-Yawn with a 'saber.

"It does not!" Obi-Yawn cried, offended. He pulled a tiny mirror out of his pocket and checked his hair. "It looks fine, Grievous!" he cried, annoyed.

"Does not," Grievous muttered. "It looks like you stuck straw on you're head or something.

"It does not!" Obi-Yawn screamed, turning on his lightsaber. "You know what? I'm going to kill you for saying that, Grievous!"

"My name is Grievouz now," he said. "It sounded cooler, so I changed it."

"Well, I'm still going to kill you!"

Grievouz rolled his mechanical eyes and laughed again. "Yeah? You and what army?"

"KFC," Obi-Wan said. "Duh!"

"What does KFC stand for? Kaminoan Fried Cretor?" Grievouz asked.

"No," Obi-Yawn said patiently. "Kenobi Fan Club!" All of a sudden, a giant group of teenage girls appeared, and surrounded Grievouz. In ten seconds, he was just a bunch of spare parts on the floor. Unfortunately, they also stole Obi-Yawn's mirror which he had dropped on the floor.

"Ahh," sighed Kenobi. "The power of annoyed teenage girls obsessed with a handsome Jedi like me," he said, and flipped his hair. "Now I can order my food!"


End file.
